Chronic Pain and My Journey So Far...

It feels strange to be typing up a document that has nothing to do with my master’s degree… But it’s a good strange, obviously. I hate school. God’s given me a season to rest and breathe, because He knew I’d need the time to do so. Today, I thought I’d share with you some of the reasons why.

There are so many times I think to myself, “I could write a blog post about this.” Not in a spirit of vanity (even though I’m proud to say that my last post got over 6,500 reads), but just so I could share my heart with a lot of people at once, and feel a little more understood… And being known and understood goes hand-in-hand with being loved.

Even so, I don’t write these things today to feel more loved and accepted by the miniscule community of readers that’ll come across this post. I just feel prompted in my spirit to share some of my story with you, in case any of it resonates with you on any level. I truly believe God gave us stories so that we might share them with others – there is so much power in solidarity. 

Several months ago, I remember being on the verge of tears as I looked at my mom and confessed, “I get why people who deal with chronic pain commit suicide. I don’t want to hurt myself, but I get it. This hurts. It’s desperate. I don’t know if I’ll ever get relief before I die, and that’s so frustrating.”

It was a lot for me to say this to my mom, as her own father’s suicide turned her world upside down when she was only 9-years-old. I would never say anything to hurt her, but I needed her to understand the depth of my pain. I needed someone tangible to try and understand… To love me unconditionally when I totally hated my body. Thankfully, because God is good, she embraced me and my faulty sentiments with such grace. 

Some time after that, I woke up in the middle of the night, yet again, so sick and in so much pain… But my dad came to me, held me, talked with me, and prayed over me so that my spirit was reaffirmed. My dad understands chronic pain and sickness in his own way, so his empathy is unlike any other I know. My parents are the greatest blessings.

I won’t list my diseases, disorders, and all the symptoms that make my life as a 27-year-old so hard. It would take too long to list all the times I’ve had to sleep with a trash can and ginger ale by my bed. I could probably bore you to talk about all the migraines that leave me completely and randomly incapacitated. And does it really matter that on any given day of the week, I could wake up with a terrible limp and a fever for no reasonable explanations? Not really… And that’s not really the point of this post. People who suffer from chronic illnesses don’t want to be pitied – just to be better understood.

People who are seemingly happy, strong, and determined might just be crumbling on the inside, and you would never know the depths of it… Unless you were somehow able to get past the bogus smile and the generic, “I’m doing well, thanks!” 

Sometimes, chronic pain can be lonely, scary, and borderline devastating. Even so, God knows my pain. He knows yours. He knows it all on a level that none of us could possibly understand… This has been the truth I’ve held so tightly to. 

My Father in Heaven is intimately acquainted with every inch of my being, and He loves me anyway. Before I reached this season of rest and change, I didn’t know how long things would stay the way they were… But I had to take comfort in knowing that He who loves me most is the One who holds all of my moments.

BUT… Here’s where my journey takes a turn in a totally different direction. Here’s my little announcement:

I have been given the opportunity to undergo a medical procedure that has the potential to completely change my life. Ever since the first meeting with my team of doctors, I have had an overwhelming peace that this was the next part of God’s plan for me. To God be ALL the glory for lining up every little detail to make this surgery possible for me…

On June 27^th, 2019, I will have gastric bypass surgery. In short, I’m going to have my “guts rewired” so that my body processes food and nutrients totally differently, and in much smaller amounts. This is by no means a quick and easy fix… On the contrary, this transition will most likely be one of the most difficult I’ll ever face, for many reasons. The goal for my gastric bypass surgery is to utilize it as a tool that will get my body to a more typically functioning state, so that I can actively fight for my own health. At this point, my chronic pain and sickness keeps me from doing any more than the bare minimum, physically-speaking. And mentally? Well… often times it feels pointless to put in any effort to fight for something so broken-down as my body.

But I’m still here. I’m still breathing. God’s not done with my life, and I have no choice but to press forward and honor Him in my daily fight for health.

SO, If you’ve made it this far in the post, and you’re willing to play a part in my journey, here are some specific things you can pray over with me:

-      Pray that the surgery goes smoothly and that there are no complications. The complications that canoccur from this procedure can be rough, as this is a “medium-risk” surgery.

-      Pray for the community of people who will be taking care of me through this whole process – the surgical team, hospital staff, my family and friends, and potential therapist(s). They are all crucial to my success.

-      Pray for my mental health. Transitions are already so hard for me to handle, and this one is huge.

-      Pray for my spirit – the only way I will have positive, lasting change is if God stays at the center of it all. Pray I cling to Him before I cling to anyone else.

-      Pray over my finances… There’s a lot that’s yet to be figured out in that area. Even so, my family and I are trusting in God’s provision.

So, some of you might be wondering what gastric bypass is used for. Ultimately, it’s used to help the patient lose a large amount of weight relatively quickly. While that’s definitely a perk, the weight loss is not my main source of motivation. I just want to function as normally as possible, undaunted by my own body’s limitations. I could play the God card and say, “I could serve Him so much better if I was healthier!” While I guess that’s true, He knows what’s in my heart… 

I want to be able to take any kind of spontaneous trip without having to pack half a pharmacy in my suitcase. It’d be such a relief to go shopping for clothes without fear of leaving the mall in tears from disappointment that literally nothing fits. I long for the day when I can go to my job with full confidence that I’ll be able to pick up and love on my students without fear of making myself sick, or hurting my body further. I’d love to be able to have a full day of activity with enough energy leftover to spend time with my sister-kid, and heaven forbid – play DOLL HOUSE with her.

These are the things in my heart, and these things give God just as much glory as the generalized “life of service.” Everything I do is for Him. He’s making this surgery possible for me for so many reasons, but I believe the most important one is just because He loves me so much. 

Friend, He loves you, too. It doesn’t matter what kind of pain and suffering you experience, how long you feel it, or what you do in response to it… He cares. God is the source of true love and healing. No matter what your lot may be, He longs to care for you. He may allow a season of suffering, but remember this truth with me: nothing in this world lasts forever – everything in it is temporary. The only everlasting thing we have access to in this lifetime is His love, and all that comes with it. No person’s journey goes by without God’s knowledge of it… Won’t you give your story over to Him?

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”

Matthew 6:25-26

Thank you for reading, and for being a part of my journey. Much, much love.

- Lauren (LB)