I'm Okay.

If you're one of the considerate folks who's asked me how I'm doing lately, that's the response you've probably gotten from me.

"I'm okay."

Or maybe, if I'm feeling a little more vulnerable in that moment, I might've said something like, "I'm a little tired today." 

Or maybe, "It's been kinda rough lately... But I'm making it."

These are all cliche, impersonal responses that we've all used before. Why? Probably because we know that whoever's asking us how we are doesn't really want to hear the whole story. Or, it might be that even if they truly wanted to know, you don't want to tell them because sharing your burdens with someone can be difficult for so many reasons. Or maybe, you've been telling everyone, including yourself, that you really are okay, and you want to believe it so badly that you just try and fake it 'til you feel it... But you never really do feel it. Not seriously. 

It's been a long time since I last posted a blog - over two years. There's been a lot going on, and I just thought I'd fill in a few blanks and attempt to briefly answer the question:

"How are you really?"

I'm a list person. Not the OCD, gotta-check-everything-off kind, but the writing kind. So here's a list for you.

1. 2014 was a trying year for my family and me, and I had no idea that it would be the start of a long, trying season that's still not over. Even so, I graduated from college that December with a B.A. in Christian Counseling - it was a good way to wrap up that year.

2. 2015 began with me working lots of hours at a frozen yogurt shop in Marianna, FL called Milk and Honey. I did lots of life with lots of beautiful friends in the first few months of the year, and I got a puppy! These were good silver linings, but I was spiritually and emotionally drained from the previous year, and had no clue what was going to come next in my story. (For those of us who have had to wrestle through our own faith, not knowing what's next can be a little more than intimidating.)

 

3. Through the pregnancy center I was volunteering at, I heard that a place called Anchorage Children's Home was looking for a family counselor. This counseling position didn't require a Master's degree or a license, and the job was very basically to serve the needs of children and youth who needed help sorting through their baggage. If you know anything about me, you know that children are my heart and counseling is my calling... So, I applied for the job, got an interview, and got the job. It was my first "grown-up" job, and I was so overwhelmed, but excited about getting to use my degree so soon. I left my job at Milk and Honey, and moved to an apartment in Marianna, FL, where my new office would be.

4. This job opportunity at Anchorage was amazing, and I'm so thankful for it, because I learned so much during my time there that I know I'll be able to take with me wherever I go in life. The actual counseling I did was wonderful, and I enjoyed every single one of my kids - they each had such hard stories that needed to be worked through. Ministering to them blessed my heart each time I left a session, because I knew that even though they might not have grown and healed completely in just a matter of months, they'd had someone actually listen to them. My supervisor would say that if a parent is complaining because their child is acting a certain way just for attention, to just tell them, "Well, give it to them! Kids need attention." I got to be a part of that attention for each one of my kids, and that's awesome to me.

(Rainbow over Marianna, as I was leaving the office.)

5. Even though I loved the counseling, the sense of feeling overwhelmed never stopped. Unfortunately, I learned a lot of my lessons through mistakes, and I rarely felt like I could get anything right the first time. The paperwork, the black-and-whites, and the do's and don'ts seemed to get me every time, and I always felt so discouraged. My co-workers were wonderful support for me, and I wouldn't have made it a full year without them, but the constant stress was doing a number on my health. 

6. My stress didn't just come from work, though. I've dealt with depression and anxiety disorders for most of my life, and any amount of stress can trigger them. I was living alone in an apartment complex that I didn't feel safe in (though I never admitted that to my parents), I had become distant with most of my friends, and I was two hours away from family - except Matthew. He was at BCF, only 30 minutes away, so we made time to see each other once a week, which was really good for me. I don't do well alone. I never really have. The depression and anxiety worsened as the year went on, and I started an anti-depressant that helped some, but didn't save me from a downward spiral in my health. I was sickly all the time, my body always hurt, I couldn't sleep, I had frequent migraines, and I was using unhealthy means of coping with it all - namely, Binge Eating Disorder. I was already severely overweight, but gained an extra 60 pounds in less than a year due to this disorder. I was so sick, and I knew that if something didn't change soon, I was going to die young.

7. My parents and I decided that it would be best for me to come home to Thomasville to work on my health, spiritually, mentally, and physically. I didn't know exactly when to tell my boss when I was leaving, because I was just waiting on Jesus to give me the word. (And yes, I was talking with Jesus. Every single day. He is how I survived, and still is. Just because one suffers from any sort of addiction or mental disorder does NOT mean they have made themselves an idol, aren't praying hard enough, or aren't strong enough in their faith. Jesus walks with anyone who invites Him to, cries with everyone who needs Him to, and He takes joy in this.) The word ended up being gallstones. I didn't leave Anchorage like I thought I would; it was abrupt due to hospitals, doctor's visits, and SO many sick days. But God always had His plan in motion.

8. After the gallbladder came out, we thought we'd see some more improvement... While my side didn't hurt every time I ate, I was still struggling as much as I ever have. A good day involved the ability to get out of bed; a really good day involved a shower. Those days were few and far between. Most days I suffered with headaches, body aches, fever, dizziness, extreme fatigue, etc. Here's a long story SUPER short: I've been suffering with symptoms of Lupus. I don't have Lupus, because the numbers weren't high enough. This is a praise. I'm on a new Lupus medication that's helping a lot, and we're hoping that we caught it in enough time to prevent any auto-immune disease from ever forming.

9. So, I'm at home now, healing in every way, and I truly am doing much better than I was. I haven't been able to work for a long time, and I've felt very isolated in my sickness. I'm far away from any of my friends, and they're all so busy living their lives. BUT, I'm going to start substitute teaching for Thomas County soon, and the plan is to start my Master's in January. I've had several opportunities to use my talents at my church, like singing in the choir, and directing 4th-6th grade choir with my mom. The healthier and stronger I become, I know I'll be able to serve in even more ways, and I can't wait for that!

10. People have prayed for me, visited with me, texted, messaged, and called me... The love I've felt in this time is truly such a blessing. Thanks to everyone who has reached out and continues to do so for my family and me!

SO...

Am I okay?

Yeah. It's taken a long time, and I have to fight the demons of discouragement and self-destruction on a daily basis. But God is so good, and not once have I doubted that. He never goes anywhere, even if everyone else decides to check out on you. He never stops loving, even if you feel like you are the most unworthy scum. You and I have been created for His glory and joy, and as long as we have breath, we have purpose.

Thanks for reading, friend. 

Much love and God bless,

Lauren Butler (LB)